Well thats a wrap for 2018

I guess it is time to update everyone on whats been going on since we lost our little boy Nolan. It has not been an easy road. There have been good days and bad days, good hours and bad hours. We love and miss our son so much every single minute of every single day. And though I try to remind myself daily of how blessed we are for having everything that we have. We have eachother, we have a roof over our head, good jobs, a perfect little boy in Heaven with our family watching over us with Jesus. It just seems so much harder now since we were so close to bringing our baby home. I try not to be angry and bitter, I try to be happy for people who are pregnant because it is such an amazing blessing. But sometimes there are 5 pregnancy announcements in one day and I just have to call my husband and cry. Not because I'm not happy for them, but because I dont understand why its not us, or why this happened to us. It was supposed to be us. But we will get pregnant again one day. We will have a baby here on earth with us that we get to raise, feed, teach, put to bed every night, bathe. Everything that parents get to do. and we cant wait.

(some pictures I took)

We went to Seattle to see Dr Swelstad one more time before he left. We talked to him about our chances of conceiving on our own now that ive gotten pregnant and lots of womens bodies change. We went over everything and it seemed as though we have about a 3% chance of getting pregnant on our own... if that... so we knew we would have to continue on the path we were on, and thankfully he was ok with starting us back at the dosages we were doing before, so we didn't have to start all over at a lower dose. We will miss our Doctor, we really liked him.

We had to wait 2-3 months before trying again. In early October we found out we were having a chemical pregnancy. We were tracking every month and I took a pregnancy test and we got a positive- it was a dark line, we were so excited. I tested every day for the next few days and the lines kept getting lighter and light, we called our doctor and they said we will wait and do labs on sunday or Monday because our HCG should double every 48 hours, we went and had labs done on Sunday morning and my HCG level was 5- which is a negative and I later started my period that day confirming we had a chemical pregnancy. ( a chemical pregnancy is an early pregnancy loss that occurs shortly after implantation- its almost too early to even detect on a test) This was hard for us, but we took it more as a positive as in- MY BODY on no medication at all tried to get pregnant on its own. I Ovulated, my cycle was on time. Even though it sucked because we wanted so bad to be pregnant again.

 We went to see our doctor and they were fine with us starting a round of medicine (the same dose we did the last time when we got pregnant) so here we go Round 9 cd3 we started femara again and cd 8 we started stims, We went to get our ultrasound on cd12 and we had a TON of follicles with about 5 or 6 of them maturing WHICH IS AMAZING FOR ME.... my body was responding so well. The hardest thing was when we did our first ultrasound on cd12 I cried the whole time looking at the screen... just staring at my follicles instead of a baby... that was probably one of the hardest things since we lost Nolan, was just another reminder my baby is no longer there. My seattle doctor wanted us to not take anymore medicine and do another US on CD 14 so we had to drive to seattle. And sure enough we had 5 Follicles that were mature, plus more than could have became mature in the next few days. My body responded well to the medicine... to well. Since there were so many follicles we had to CANCEL the round and not do the IUI or trigger shot because that would give us the chance for a MULTIPLE pregnancy. so they said we could still try naturally that month our chances lower without the trigger shot an iui. So we did try naturally. But I was in so much pain I got OHSS that month (Ovarian hyperstimulation Syndrome) this is when you have too many follicles and your ovaries are so swollen, in so much pain, so uncomfortable, so bloated I felt like the little girl off of the chocolate factory like you could pop me. We ended up with a BFN (big fat negative) test.

CD1 came on time again and we were so excited-We went to Seattle to Meet our New Doctor. Dr Broughton, CD2 and we really like her, she is very smart and seems to be very proactive. We went over our whole history up until the day we lost Nolan. We also talked about my lining from the month before. My lining seemed to be very thick. the normal range for a uterine lining is anywhere from 8-15... on cd12 my lining was measuring at 16... and then on cd14 my lining was measuring at 26..... very thick which can also make it hard to conceive. So since we were there it is normal to have a baseline US on cd3- but she said lets go ahead and do one today to see where your lining is at. And we talked about our next round- she wanted to lower my dosage just a little since my body responded so well and take the meds slower like we did when we got pregnant with Nolan, But she wanted to see where my lining was before we continued with anything, so we did my US and my lining was measuring at 19... still way to think. So Round 10 was canceled. She wanted to schedule me for a procedure to go in and look in my uterine cavity to see if there are any polyps (growths) that need to be taken out and tested to make sure they are benign. Also she saw a cyst in there that looked to be old and she wanted to test my estrogen levels to see if that Cyst was producing estrogen as to why my lining was not shedding, so we did lab work and my estrogen was low, so we knew it wasn't from the cyst. So my doctor agreed she wanted to do the SIS procedure. She also wanted us to get in for a consult with a high risk doctor for a pre- pregnancy consultation, so that way when we do get pregnant all of my doctors can work together on the plan. So she sent over an urgent referral to Maternal Fetal Medicine in Yakima.

On 11/21/18 we had our consult with the MFM drs from UW in town (maternal fetal medicine - high risk dr) And we really liked him- not for his personality lol because it was VERY DRY and we seem to like to make jokes and lighten things up, but he had been doing this for over 30 years and was very knowledgeable and gave us a lot of information. We went over my whole medical history all of our fertility journey our pregnancy up to birth and after. He went over the Genetics testing on our son Nolan and he was perfect in every way no abnormalities what so ever inside or on the outside. We already knew that though, He was perfect with mommys nose and daddys legs and feet. So he reassured us it had nothing to do with the baby. We talked about what he thinks happened from all the records and what I told him- which is PPROM- what we were diagnosed with. (Preterm Premature Rupture of the membranes) and we talked about the plan once we get pregnant again. I will be high risk. we will be followed and measured weekly up until 24 weeks as long as everything is good. and we will be on progesterone suppositiories until 16 weeks and then from 16 weeks to 34 weeks we will be on McKenna shots (progesterone shots) weekly. and if there is ever any shortening we can get a Cerclage (a cerclage is where they sew your cervix shut until about 34-36 weeks when baby would be good to come out). We feel comfortable with the plan and just want to make sure everyone is on the same page and I am being watched closely.

11/24/18- We went to Seattle to check my lining again to see if we still needed to do the SIS procedure, and sure enough it was still thick, so we had to do the SIS procedure (Saline infusion sonohysterography)  to see if there were any polyps. This procedure did not feel good and was very uncomfortable- but not as painful as the HSG I had a few years ago, and Sure enough we have a polyp.... I named him Mr. Polyp and was referring to him as an a**hole. Just one more thing right..... So now we have to schedule surgery in December to get Mr Polyp taken out. The surgery I am going to have is called a Hysteroscopic Polypectomy. We are hoping all will go well and we will be able to start trying again in January.

(pictures of Mr Polyp)

For now we are trying to just be in the holiday spirit as much as we can. And just trying to take care of ourselves at this point and not putting ourselves in situations that will make us uncomfortable or hurt us emotionally. We are just trying to do what feels right to us day by day. Through out this whole process in the last few months we have both changed, we have grown closer together, and take the time to really ask each other how we are doing. We also take the time to just cuddle or have deep convos about how we are doing or what we are thinking about. But we have also learned who was there for us in the hard times and after time passes. It's hard because life seems to go on for everyone else. Yet you feel so alone because time has stopped for you.  We will make it through this. We will continue to grow as people, and get stronger every day. I just know that I thought infertility was the hardest thing I had ever gone through, and after losing my baby after so many years of struggling for him is definitely the hardest thing we have ever been through in life. So ya starting back over with infertility treatments really sucks and feels like a slap in the face. But we are trying to get back in the swing of things.... and trying to stay hopeful and positive. Now we just need to get through this surgery and hope that 2019 will turn everything around for us. Lots of prayers for us would be appreciated.