Today is your due date... You were supposed to be here...

It’s now been a little over 5 months since we lost our son. His due date is today Jan 8th and I  have been mentally trying to prepare myself.  Every thing since we have lost our son has been bittersweet, hard and different. Halloween was not the same, I was supposed to still be pregnant... home handing out candy to all these cute dressed up little kids and just thinking I will never get to see Nolan dressed up in a little dinosaur costume, or batman... or whatever he was going to like. Thanksgiving was hard, it was the first year we didn't go to my families, I didn't feel like doing anything I was sad. I was supposed to be pregnant... Christmas came around... and that day was tough...We again didn't do anything with family. We just wanted to be home and together.  Nolan would have been here or would be here anyday.. we woke up opened our gifts and had a good morning, I then got in the shower laid in the tub and balled. I cant tell you how many times I have done that... scream cried in the shower... I got out and laid in bed and cried... this Christmas was supposed to be so different. We knew everything was going to be hard but we didn't realize how hard the month of January was going to be for us. My husband and I have both been having such a hard time this month. He was supposed to be here. Our lives were supposed to change. My first baby was not supposed to be born like this. Ill never understand it. But I will continue to share my story and try and raise awareness for infertility and premature birth, still birth, and miscarriages. I want my son to be remembered. We will honor him for the rest of our lives. I wish more people would be open about their stories, I also wish more people could understand what it was like and knew what to say and what not to say. I don't have a disease you don't have to stay away, you don't have to avoid me or not talk to me... don't be afraid to say my sons name, he is my son. He's just not here on earth with us, he is in heaven. I wish that family or friends didn't take it so personal when I take time for myself, or dont feel like going to social gatherings. I am still grieving, and I am trying to figure out how to deal with going back to square one. I want people to know they should Count him as one of your nieces or nephews, one of your grandchildren he was real, he was a baby just like any other baby just smaller with his perfect little toes and fingers... his dads bowlegs lol and his mommy's nose. My baby knew nothing but love, and warmth, he never knew of any harm, he was precious and he was pure. He was perfect. We got these pictures done with our son, our first family photos since he has been born. We want to normalize infant loss and stillborn awareness. They are babies, They are real, and he is part of our family. Some people may think these photos are morbid... but to me they are beautiful and they mean so much to us. He will continue to be apart of our family pictures for years to come with his siblings. We love you Nolan Eugene. Happy due date Nolan.

There has been so much that has happened since we lost Nolan. We had a chemical pregnancy in October. We did another round of stims with iui which ended as a bfn we had an sis procedure which we found out I had a polyp ofcourse I did and then on dec 27th I had a hysteroscopy polyectomy. So now I am just waiting for my next cycle so we can start round 10 with stims and iui.... So we are just waiting to start this round. Praying to bring our rainbow baby home in 2019. All the prayers for a Pregnancy- a healthy pregnancy and to be able to bring a baby home this year.