Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Today is your due date... You were supposed to be here...





It’s now been a little over 5 months since we lost our son. His due date is today Jan 8th and I  have been mentally trying to prepare myself.  Every thing since we have lost our son has been bittersweet, hard and different. Halloween was not the same, I was supposed to still be pregnant... home handing out candy to all these cute dressed up little kids and just thinking I will never get to see Nolan dressed up in a little dinosaur costume, or batman... or whatever he was going to like. Thanksgiving was hard, it was the first year we didn't go to my families, I didn't feel like doing anything I was sad. I was supposed to be pregnant... Christmas came around... and that day was tough...We again didn't do anything with family. We just wanted to be home and together.  Nolan would have been here or would be here anyday.. we woke up opened our gifts and had a good morning, I then got in the shower laid in the tub and balled. I cant tell you how many times I have done that... scream cried in the shower... I got out and laid in bed and cried... this Christmas was supposed to be so different. We knew everything was going to be hard but we didn't realize how hard the month of January was going to be for us. My husband and I have both been having such a hard time this month. He was supposed to be here. Our lives were supposed to change. My first baby was not supposed to be born like this. Ill never understand it. But I will continue to share my story and try and raise awareness for infertility and premature birth, still birth, and miscarriages. I want my son to be remembered. We will honor him for the rest of our lives. I wish more people would be open about their stories, I also wish more people could understand what it was like and knew what to say and what not to say. I don't have a disease you don't have to stay away, you don't have to avoid me or not talk to me... don't be afraid to say my sons name, he is my son. He's just not here on earth with us, he is in heaven. I wish that family or friends didn't take it so personal when I take time for myself, or dont feel like going to social gatherings. I am still grieving, and I am trying to figure out how to deal with going back to square one. I want people to know they should Count him as one of your nieces or nephews, one of your grandchildren he was real, he was a baby just like any other baby just smaller with his perfect little toes and fingers... his dads bowlegs lol and his mommy's nose. My baby knew nothing but love, and warmth, he never knew of any harm, he was precious and he was pure. He was perfect. We got these pictures done with our son, our first family photos since he has been born. We want to normalize infant loss and stillborn awareness. They are babies, They are real, and he is part of our family. Some people may think these photos are morbid... but to me they are beautiful and they mean so much to us. He will continue to be apart of our family pictures for years to come with his siblings. We love you Nolan Eugene. Happy due date Nolan.












There has been so much that has happened since we lost Nolan. We had a chemical pregnancy in October. We did another round of stims with iui which ended as a bfn we had an sis procedure which we found out I had a polyp ofcourse I did and then on dec 27th I had a hysteroscopy polyectomy. So now I am just waiting for my next cycle so we can start round 10 with stims and iui.... So we are just waiting to start this round. Praying to bring our rainbow baby home in 2019. All the prayers for a Pregnancy- a healthy pregnancy and to be able to bring a baby home this year.

Saturday, November 24, 2018

Well thats a wrap for 2018

I guess it is time to update everyone on whats been going on since we lost our little boy Nolan. It has not been an easy road. There have been good days and bad days, good hours and bad hours. We love and miss our son so much every single minute of every single day. And though I try to remind myself daily of how blessed we are for having everything that we have. We have eachother, we have a roof over our head, good jobs, a perfect little boy in Heaven with our family watching over us with Jesus. It just seems so much harder now since we were so close to bringing our baby home. I try not to be angry and bitter, I try to be happy for people who are pregnant because it is such an amazing blessing. But sometimes there are 5 pregnancy announcements in one day and I just have to call my husband and cry. Not because I'm not happy for them, but because I dont understand why its not us, or why this happened to us. It was supposed to be us. But we will get pregnant again one day. We will have a baby here on earth with us that we get to raise, feed, teach, put to bed every night, bathe. Everything that parents get to do. and we cant wait.

(some pictures I took)





We went to Seattle to see Dr Swelstad one more time before he left. We talked to him about our chances of conceiving on our own now that ive gotten pregnant and lots of womens bodies change. We went over everything and it seemed as though we have about a 3% chance of getting pregnant on our own... if that... so we knew we would have to continue on the path we were on, and thankfully he was ok with starting us back at the dosages we were doing before, so we didn't have to start all over at a lower dose. We will miss our Doctor, we really liked him.



We had to wait 2-3 months before trying again. In early October we found out we were having a chemical pregnancy. We were tracking every month and I took a pregnancy test and we got a positive- it was a dark line, we were so excited. I tested every day for the next few days and the lines kept getting lighter and light, we called our doctor and they said we will wait and do labs on sunday or Monday because our HCG should double every 48 hours, we went and had labs done on Sunday morning and my HCG level was 5- which is a negative and I later started my period that day confirming we had a chemical pregnancy. ( a chemical pregnancy is an early pregnancy loss that occurs shortly after implantation- its almost too early to even detect on a test) This was hard for us, but we took it more as a positive as in- MY BODY on no medication at all tried to get pregnant on its own. I Ovulated, my cycle was on time. Even though it sucked because we wanted so bad to be pregnant again.





 We went to see our doctor and they were fine with us starting a round of medicine (the same dose we did the last time when we got pregnant) so here we go Round 9 cd3 we started femara again and cd 8 we started stims, We went to get our ultrasound on cd12 and we had a TON of follicles with about 5 or 6 of them maturing WHICH IS AMAZING FOR ME.... my body was responding so well. The hardest thing was when we did our first ultrasound on cd12 I cried the whole time looking at the screen... just staring at my follicles instead of a baby... that was probably one of the hardest things since we lost Nolan, was just another reminder my baby is no longer there. My seattle doctor wanted us to not take anymore medicine and do another US on CD 14 so we had to drive to seattle. And sure enough we had 5 Follicles that were mature, plus more than could have became mature in the next few days. My body responded well to the medicine... to well. Since there were so many follicles we had to CANCEL the round and not do the IUI or trigger shot because that would give us the chance for a MULTIPLE pregnancy. so they said we could still try naturally that month our chances lower without the trigger shot an iui. So we did try naturally. But I was in so much pain I got OHSS that month (Ovarian hyperstimulation Syndrome) this is when you have too many follicles and your ovaries are so swollen, in so much pain, so uncomfortable, so bloated I felt like the little girl off of the chocolate factory like you could pop me. We ended up with a BFN (big fat negative) test.

CD1 came on time again and we were so excited-We went to Seattle to Meet our New Doctor. Dr Broughton, CD2 and we really like her, she is very smart and seems to be very proactive. We went over our whole history up until the day we lost Nolan. We also talked about my lining from the month before. My lining seemed to be very thick. the normal range for a uterine lining is anywhere from 8-15... on cd12 my lining was measuring at 16... and then on cd14 my lining was measuring at 26..... very thick which can also make it hard to conceive. So since we were there it is normal to have a baseline US on cd3- but she said lets go ahead and do one today to see where your lining is at. And we talked about our next round- she wanted to lower my dosage just a little since my body responded so well and take the meds slower like we did when we got pregnant with Nolan, But she wanted to see where my lining was before we continued with anything, so we did my US and my lining was measuring at 19... still way to think. So Round 10 was canceled. She wanted to schedule me for a procedure to go in and look in my uterine cavity to see if there are any polyps (growths) that need to be taken out and tested to make sure they are benign. Also she saw a cyst in there that looked to be old and she wanted to test my estrogen levels to see if that Cyst was producing estrogen as to why my lining was not shedding, so we did lab work and my estrogen was low, so we knew it wasn't from the cyst. So my doctor agreed she wanted to do the SIS procedure. She also wanted us to get in for a consult with a high risk doctor for a pre- pregnancy consultation, so that way when we do get pregnant all of my doctors can work together on the plan. So she sent over an urgent referral to Maternal Fetal Medicine in Yakima.

On 11/21/18 we had our consult with the MFM drs from UW in town (maternal fetal medicine - high risk dr) And we really liked him- not for his personality lol because it was VERY DRY and we seem to like to make jokes and lighten things up, but he had been doing this for over 30 years and was very knowledgeable and gave us a lot of information. We went over my whole medical history all of our fertility journey our pregnancy up to birth and after. He went over the Genetics testing on our son Nolan and he was perfect in every way no abnormalities what so ever inside or on the outside. We already knew that though, He was perfect with mommys nose and daddys legs and feet. So he reassured us it had nothing to do with the baby. We talked about what he thinks happened from all the records and what I told him- which is PPROM- what we were diagnosed with. (Preterm Premature Rupture of the membranes) and we talked about the plan once we get pregnant again. I will be high risk. we will be followed and measured weekly up until 24 weeks as long as everything is good. and we will be on progesterone suppositiories until 16 weeks and then from 16 weeks to 34 weeks we will be on McKenna shots (progesterone shots) weekly. and if there is ever any shortening we can get a Cerclage (a cerclage is where they sew your cervix shut until about 34-36 weeks when baby would be good to come out). We feel comfortable with the plan and just want to make sure everyone is on the same page and I am being watched closely.

11/24/18- We went to Seattle to check my lining again to see if we still needed to do the SIS procedure, and sure enough it was still thick, so we had to do the SIS procedure (Saline infusion sonohysterography)  to see if there were any polyps. This procedure did not feel good and was very uncomfortable- but not as painful as the HSG I had a few years ago, and Sure enough we have a polyp.... I named him Mr. Polyp and was referring to him as an a**hole. Just one more thing right..... So now we have to schedule surgery in December to get Mr Polyp taken out. The surgery I am going to have is called a Hysteroscopic Polypectomy. We are hoping all will go well and we will be able to start trying again in January.

(pictures of Mr Polyp)


For now we are trying to just be in the holiday spirit as much as we can. And just trying to take care of ourselves at this point and not putting ourselves in situations that will make us uncomfortable or hurt us emotionally. We are just trying to do what feels right to us day by day. Through out this whole process in the last few months we have both changed, we have grown closer together, and take the time to really ask each other how we are doing. We also take the time to just cuddle or have deep convos about how we are doing or what we are thinking about. But we have also learned who was there for us in the hard times and after time passes. It's hard because life seems to go on for everyone else. Yet you feel so alone because time has stopped for you.  We will make it through this. We will continue to grow as people, and get stronger every day. I just know that I thought infertility was the hardest thing I had ever gone through, and after losing my baby after so many years of struggling for him is definitely the hardest thing we have ever been through in life. So ya starting back over with infertility treatments really sucks and feels like a slap in the face. But we are trying to get back in the swing of things.... and trying to stay hopeful and positive. Now we just need to get through this surgery and hope that 2019 will turn everything around for us. Lots of prayers for us would be appreciated.



Saturday, September 8, 2018

It's been a while....

I have been meaning to update my blog in some time..... but so much has happened in the last 5 1/2 months how can I keep up..... I guess I should start with finding out we were pregnant!

Finding out we were pregnant was a complete shock... I would have thought going through this process we would have known the EXACT date we conceived, but our last round #8 we did femara days 3-7 600 follistim injections had our ultrasound in seattle on day 12- we had follicles but none were mature so my dr had us take 300 follistim more and come back 2 days later- our follicles had barely grown- they are to grow normally 1 to 2mm a day. mine grew .2- we had the choice of cancelling our round or waiting a few more days and having another ultrasound but at the rate my follicles were growing it didn't seem likely to be worth it. They had me do lab work before we left. I remember sitting in the lab room and the phlebotomist just letting me cry, I felt so defeated. On our drive home they called and said my estrogen levels were low, very low so it was  unlikely I was headed towards ovulation. So we cancelled our round.

On May 22nd I was at work and didn't really feel good. I felt super nauseous I thought maybe I had eaten something bad. I went to the bathroom at work and threw up- so I told my bosses and I went home, a few people from work made the comments "maybe your pregnant" my response... ya I wish.... So I went home, and thought im going to take a test just to get it out of my head. I took one test- Pregnant... my stomach dropped my breathing got heavy I hurried and took another test... Pregnant... and another ALL PREGNANT.... I was shaking hard to talk called tj balling told him I took 3 tests and they all said PREGNANT he thought I was lying lol he then said what do we do I said im going to call my dr and get lab work done. We went to the hospital got labs and went home and waited.... the whole time im thinking maybe it was false positive... watch my labs are going to come back at 5 (5 and up is positive) and they are going to want to retest in a few days.... The nurse called me and said well you are definitely pregnant your levels are at 38,000 we think you are about 6-8 weeks. We scheduled our ultrasound on 5/24 we drove to Seattle and got our ultrasound... We got to see our little peanut and hear his heartbeat. We measured at 6 weeks 5 days. We couldn't believe it. We didn't wait very long with so much excitement to announce we were pregnant we announce on May 27th our anniversary.





The next few months seem like a blur now. I had morning sickness everyday but it was ok because I knew it was all for baby. We shopped for baby, got the nursery together, moved rooms in our house around... We were getting ready for baby. We planned a big Gender reveal I thought baby was a boy the whole time daddy thought girl. We had a boy name picked out but still narrowing down a few girls names. We wanted to wait to find out with our family and close friends what baby is. On August 4th we had our gender reveal and we got to find out we were having a beautiful little boy. Nolan Eugene Hayward. We were both SOOOOOO HAPPY tears of joy.








Shortly after the last person left our house I went to use the restroom and my water broke.... I didn't know what it was I just remember how it felt and being so scared and screaming for TJ, he rushed me to the hospital they did an ultrasound baby was fine but the doctor said all of my amniotic fluid seemed to be gone, so they took me for a formal ultrasound baby was still fine but they noticed my placenta was detaching from the wall. Through this whole process my contractions were getting stronger and stronger, they took me up to the floor and I told the nurse that I felt like I needed to use the bathroom but I was scared and didn't want to go. She said let me go get the doctor so we can see if you are dilated.  The dr and nurse were getting ready to check me and I could feel the baby was coming there was no stopping it. Baby Nolan was born sleeping on 8/4/18 @ 8:17 pm... @ 4 1/2 months. He measured at 18weeks 1 day.

Our worst nightmare had happened... We lost our sweet baby... We got to hold him, say our good byes, we left the hospital with a memory box rather than a baby. Our hearts are broken but we are healing. We are trying to stay positive and keep reminding ourselves of all the positives and putting all of our trust in gods plan. We got our son cremated and put up some shelves in the room. He was so loved, and will be so missed. We will forever carry him in our hearts and talk about him often, His future brothers and sisters will know of there older brother in Nolan who lives in heaven with Jesus. He is my first born, my son, and the little boy who made me a mommy. He had the BEST first birthday and we will celebrate his birthday EVERYEAR!






Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Baby Hayward Journey


So in the spirit of #NIAW (national infertility awareness week) I thought it would be appropriate to tell our story so far….

My husband and I will have been together for 7 years this year… and basically we have never not tried to get pregnant… although we weren’t trying we weren’t trying to prevent it either…. Well after about 3 years of trying naturally we finally went to my obgyn and asked why aren’t we getting pregnant…. So we did some blood work and I was diagnosed with PCOS. So she put me on metformin… which helps regulate your cycles etc. and some women can get pregnant just with the help of this medication… so we were super hopeful and happy we finally knew what the deal was… little did we know this was only the beginning of our journey.



We tried for about a year… with no results, so my dr said ok lets try some fertility medication… I read so much about clomid and all the success stories and we figured we would be pregnant in no time… well our first round our dr started us on 50mg with lab work the 1st and 20th day. No pregnancy… 2nd round… she upd our meds to 100mg with lab work… still no pregnancy.. so my dr has us do an HSG to make sure we didn’t have any blockages. This was a great day… we had no blockages! We both were crying with tears of joy.




We also tested my husband’s  sperm count and he was good! So the 3rd round she upd our dosage to 150mg with lab work… still no pregnancy … This was beginning to take a toll on our relationship, our hope, and our happiness and not to mention the side affects from not only the metformin, but the side effects of clomid are horrible…. Mood swings stomach aches, nausea, hot flashes… So the next round my dr told us this is the last round she can do for us and if this doesn’t work she is going to need to refer us to a specialist. 4th round she kept our meds at 150mg. with lab work and no changes….. no pregnancy, we felt defeated…




so then my dr referred us to PNWF in seattle, and we had our over the phone consult which is where we learned and talked about iui… and possible injections if it came to that… after learning all of this we knew that we needed to take some time. I was planning a wedding and didn’t need anymore stress and we needed time to focus on us. So we took just shy of a year break from infertility treatments. When we finally decided to start trying again I began to do research on IUI and found out we had a dr locally that did IUI!!! So I called my OBGYN and had her send a referral! We were so excited to learn that we could do this in town. We were in such a better place and mind frame, we were ready to start again… so we had our consult with Dr Johns and made a plan… but since we had already done 4 rounds with fertility meds he wanted to max me out on the meds and if no changes he knew I was going to probably need the help with stronger meds and injections. So our 5th round first round with him he did 150 mgs and ultrasound on day 12 to see where my follicles were at… no luck that first month no follicles at all…. So the next round our 6th round dr Johns maxed us out on Clomid at 200mg… day 12 Ultrasound and we had one mature follicle… we both instantly started crying we were both so excited. We had him print out 2 ultrasound pictures I took one to work told all the girls cried happy tears and tj took his to work so happy put it on his tool box and told all the guys at work… so we got our trigger shot and the next morning went in for our 1st IUI… 








Then the TWW (two week wait) sooo hard to wait to take a test with your mind playing games on you… the side effects to the trigger shot is false pregnancy symptoms… and no matter how many times you tell yourself you are not pregnant your mind is still playing tricks on you… like ive never felt like this before… and then it’s the night before we take the test and I start my cycle… I sat on the toilet and cried…… it was the closest we had ever been… and it was over…. I had cried many times in my husbands arms… a lot of tears a lot of sleepless nights… a lot of doubting  your self worth and feeling worthless…. Feeling as though god put women on this earth to make babies and I cant even do that… wondering if I will ever be a mother… if I will ever know what it feels like to be pregnant  or to give birth…. I cant explain the feelings or thoughts…. Keeping our hope and faith is always a struggle at times… praying and just trying to stay positive.



So Dr Johns referred us back to PNWF… and we went and met with dr Swelstad we both really liked him!! And we made a new plan with him…. He switched us to the  dosage of 7.5 of femara and started us on follistim.. our injections.. so round 7… femara days 3-7 and follistim 1.0 units days 8-10… then Ultrasound on day 12….. We had follicles but none were mature so the dr had us take another shot of follistim (what we had left which was about half a dose) and go in 2 days later for another ultrasound with the hope that the extra meds and days our follicles would grow… but they barely grew .2… we were so let down… even though we try not to be we were just really hoping all these new meds were going to give us better results…. Round 8… Dr upd our follistim  to 1.8 units and kept us on the femara  so again days 3-7 femara and 8-10 injections… went to our day 12 ultrasound and again we had follicles but none of them were mature follicles biggest ones measuring under 10,  so the dr had us do shots for the next 2 days (gave us another 300 units) and wanted us back for another ultrasound in 2 days with the hopes that the medicine and days will help out follicles grow. We went in for our ultrasound…. And they had barely grown… The biggest one was just over 10 at this point, as soon as the ultrasound tech left the room she said she was going to get the pa to come talk to us… I started balling in the room… it just sucks…  to just feel so helpless with something you both want so bad and for things to not work for us over and over again… so the PA came in and wanted to do some lab work and test my estrogen and she said it my numbers were high we would continue our round… if they were low we would cancel this cycle. So we did our lab work and my estrogen level was at 34 VERY LOW…. It was a long drive home I cried for most of it… and my sweet husband he stays so strong for us when I know his heart is hurting so bad for him, us, me…




He is my best friend my partner my shoulder my support… He is the other half of my life. I don’t know what I would do without him.



So we have worked with out dr and made our plan for our 9th round… We will be switching back to clomid because we had better results with that and uping our dosage of the follistim again to 2.8 units days 8,9,10… with blood work on day 3, ultrasounds on day 3 and day 12 and hopefully we will have some mature follicles to be able to trigger and do IUI…. So for now we have eachother we have our faith, our hopes, and some very supportive people in our lives….  Here’s to our 9th round and hoping we will get some results! Baby dust!  And a big thank you to everyone who has bought and wears there infertility awareness bracelets that we made and our selling! It means the world to us.